There are incredibly confusing and conflicted feelings that come along with your second baby. How could you possibly love someone as much as the little one you have already? You will. How will you share yourself, and how can you possibly give any more? You can. What can you do to help big brother or big sister through this transition without feeling resentful or neglected? Love and patience are the keys.
My children are twenty three months apart, and it has been an incredible journey. Right now they are 4 and 6, and love each other immensely, but certainly have moments of hatred too. My younger daughter is extremely expressive and steals the show, while my 6 year old boy tends to quietly or sneakily express his emotions, especially his frustrations. Their relationship is a fiery one, and it takes diligence on my part to help them learn to communicate with each other.
He was there when she was born, and loved to hold her on the couch and smell her sweet little head. I packed her around in a sling or ERGO Carrier so I could keep up with him, and bounced her to sleep while reading him stories. She slept in the bike trailer when he wanted to go on adventures. I know he was impatient sometimes when we had to pull the car over because she was screaming her head off, or he didn't get to snuggle with me before sleep because she was still awake. My feelings of guilt still linger, but I know that having each other is an incredible gift to them, so my gratefulness immensely outweighs my guilt.
They resent each other sometimes. They compete for my affection, or try to get each other in trouble, or fight over who gets to sit in my lap, and its exhausting. Then I see him across the field climbing down from a tree to help her get up, or I experience the joy on her face when her big brother walks in the door. There is nothing like the joy that a mother feels when her children take care of each other. Their relationship is not perfect, but they love each other so much. They fight with each other, as do myself and my husband. We all can use some help learning to communicate, share, forgive, and look beyond our own desires to take care of our loved ones. We learn from them, and they learn from us.
I don't think there is a solution to "sibling rivalry," although there are wonderful resources and ideas to help us navigate. "Siblings Without Rivalry," by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish is one book many parents have praised on the subject. This book encourages us to let children work their issues out with minimal adult intervention. Sometimes this works for my family. I think the true answer is to keep working on ourselves. Modeling patience, clear communication, and expression of our frustration in healthy ways is the best way to teach our children. I am still working on all of this, and so I cannot expect my children to have it down already. These are life's lessons, and when our children see us working on them, they have less judgement of their own shortcomings and more inspiration to grow.
