There are incredibly confusing and conflicted feelings that come along with your second baby.  How could you possibly love someone as much as the little one you have already?  You will. How will you share yourself, and how can you possibly give any more?  You can. What can you do to help big brother or big sister through this transition without feeling resentful or neglected?  Love and patience are the keys.

     My children are twenty three months apart, and it has been an incredible journey.  Right now they are 4 and 6, and love each other immensely, but certainly have moments of hatred too.  My younger daughter is extremely expressive and steals the show, while my 6 year old boy tends to quietly or sneakily express his emotions, especially his frustrations.   Their relationship is a fiery one, and it takes diligence on my part to help them learn to communicate with each other.  

    He was there when she was born, and loved to hold her on the couch and smell her sweet little head.  I packed her around in a sling or ERGO Carrier so I could keep up with him, and bounced her to sleep while reading him stories.  She slept in the bike trailer when he wanted to go on adventures.  I know he was impatient sometimes when we had to pull the car over because she was screaming her head off, or he didn't get to snuggle with me before sleep because she was still awake.  My feelings of guilt still linger, but I know that having each other is an incredible gift to them, so my gratefulness immensely outweighs my guilt. 

   They resent each other sometimes. They compete for my affection, or try to get each other in trouble, or fight over who gets to sit in my lap, and its exhausting.  Then I see him across the field climbing down from a tree to help her get up, or I experience the joy on her face when her big brother walks in the door.   There is nothing like the joy that a mother feels when her children take care of each other.  Their relationship is not perfect, but they love each other so much.  They fight with each other, as do myself and my husband.  We all can use some help learning to communicate, share, forgive, and look beyond our own desires to take care of our loved ones.   We learn from them, and they learn from us. 

      I don't think there is a solution to "sibling rivalry," although there are wonderful resources and ideas to help us navigate.  "Siblings Without Rivalry," by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish is one book many parents have praised on the subject.  This book encourages us to let children work their issues out with minimal adult intervention.    Sometimes this works for my family.     I think the true answer is to keep working on ourselves.  Modeling patience, clear communication, and expression of our frustration in healthy ways is the best way to teach our children.  I am still working on all of this, and so I cannot expect my children to have it down already.  These are life's lessons, and when our children see us working on them, they have less judgement of their own shortcomings and more inspiration to grow.

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A baby  held close to his mama hears her heart beat, feels the rhythms of her movement, and can communicate his needs through subtle signals that she will pick up on.  He can smell her and feel her warmth, and he knows innately that everything is right in the world.   Nature's way has been to make a newborn human helpless, so his mother and father need to hold him close to keep him safe. 

Babies carried close cry less, they are more involved in human interaction at an earlier age.  They learn more while they're not crying, so they're smart kids!  

There is something magical in the physical connection between parent and child, and as we cherish this, we have an easier time tuning in to our innate knowledge of how to care for our little ones.  Parenting is instinctual, and the stronger the connection between parent and child, the easier it is to know what is best for that child's emotional, physical and spiritual health. 

There are an incredible number of fabulous baby carriers, backpacks and slings on the market, and the ERGO Baby Carrier in my opinion, is the most comfortable, easy to use, best for baby, and best for your body.  (I'm not just trying to sell them!)

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    I have always been an intuitive parent, trusting that my innate knowledge as a woman and mother will guide me through the toughest parenting situations.  But recently, my daughter's challenging behavior became too much for her preschool teachers and she was asked to take a break from school.  She had hit a teacher on the head with a toy, and actually drew blood.  Talk about a disappointing and embarrassing situation! 

From early on in life, Anjali knew what she wanted and would not take "no" for an answer.  She is a very physical child, incredibly strong in her mind and body, but very loving and nurturing as well.   She has been known to obsessively scoop up nearby toddlers and try to "mommy" them quite persistantly.  During playdates, she tends to want to be in control of her friends, what they play with, where they go, and who is allowed to do what.  We tried framing the rules positively: "be gentle,"  "be respectful,"  "please share with your friends."  It just did not seem to get through to her, and we were hoping the teachers at her school would have some insight.  When it became clear that they were overwhelmed, we didn't know what to do.

  A friend of mine showed up at my front door with a stack of parenting "how to" books, and I chose a couple to peruse.  "Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach"  by Howard Glasser and Jennifer Easley is the book we haven't put down yet, and we are beginning to realize what our daughter is needing and how we can transform our interactions to help her.

The book basically outlines an intervention for the challenging child, and describes how we can change our parenting style to help our difficult child succeed in the world.    She needs more positive feedback, but has usually responded to it by acting out!   With the child who pushes buttons, acts out, and breaks the rules, a negative pattern is established.  They are used to getting a huge reaction for negative behavior, while positive feedback is nowhere near as exciting and energetic.  They become somewhat addicted to all the drama of our negative reactions. 

We have begun to notice with great frequency all the moments that before seemed like nothing special; quiet moments, when she is interested, engaged, and helpful.  There are many and they are increasing every day.  We have been getting clearer about stating rules, like "No picking up babies, period."  And when rules are broken, we are calm and direct about sending her to time out, setting the timer, (and here's unique and powerful part) getting excited about how well she did in her time out!  She doesn't get a lecture on hitting, she gets praise for going straight to her room, and playing quietly until she is calm.  And, guess what!  She does that now!  We are amazed at the transformation, just over the last month. 

 This book is compassionate, inspiring, easy to read, and is making a huge difference in all of our lives.  I can't recommend it enough for parents who struggle with strong willed children and difficult behavior.   

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