Before having my second child, I thought the "reward system" of sticker charts and tokens was basically bribery, and I believed that my children would learn to behave just for the sake of the natural consequences for good behavior. I have found the time and place for a sticker chart, though. My second child has been an incredible challenge for all of us, and I've had to reexamine what is really the best thing for her. She needs clear consequences, positive and negative. She needs frequent recognition of whatever she is doing, and positive feedback works great. So do clear rewards.
We started our sticker chart when she just refused to take responsibility for using the toilet. She wasn't having "accidents," she was just peeing in her pants, rather than interrupting whatever important thing she was doing. She really did not care. This was happening well into four years old. We had all kinds of joy and praise when she went on her own, but usually it became a constant battle. She had to go, I could see it, she refused, then peed her pants. I got upset, but didn't know what to do. I didn't want to shame her repeatedly, for fear of lifetime scarring. I didn't want to put her in diapers, but I couldn't have her peeing in her pants all the time. We started giving her a sticker every time she went, and on the chart, there was a small reward every few stickers. Yes, we used a treat, and sometime one of the ingredients was sugar. We also had a tea party, a movie, an outing with mom, and various other rewards on her chart. It worked. So well that Jayden, her big brother, felt left out. He wanted a chart too. So, we made him one, and he got stickers for being kind to his sister. He had some very sneaky aggressive behavior going on toward her at the time. This ended up being really helpful too.
Through the use of the sticker chart, my daughter had the incentive to use the potty, and within a couple weeks, it was automatic to go there. She found out that it wasn't so bad, and in fact it saved her from the interruption of upset mommy dragging her inside to change her clothes again. An unforseen outcome was that Jayden experienced the benefits of reading to his sister, playing games with her, giving in when she was not giving up her side of the battle..... He found out that it makes life better to get along better with his sis, and so he received the "bribe" but also the real life reward.
As for transitioning out of the chart, we starting using a token system. I read it in a book, "Transforming the Difficult Child," which I wrote a blog about some months back (in the parenting section as well.) I thought it was not a good idea, for the same reason as the sticker chart. I thought they should behave for the sake of behaving, for real rewards that come from real life, but life got rough and we tried it. Anjali got "stones" in her jar for listening the first time she was asked to do something. We made a chart that showed how many stones she needed to go out and play or go swimming, or have dessert, or have bedtime stories. I know that sounds extreme, but her behavior at the time was such that, "NO!" followed by an emotionally charged power struggle was often the response to brushing teeth, putting on pajamas, going potty, or getting into bed, so by the time it was done, nobody felt like reading to her, especially if she would protest and climb out of bed as soon as stories were over. She got a stone for brushing teeth, she used it for stories. She got one for not getting out of bed. She could use them in the morning to go out and play with her friends. It started to come together. What she got stones for shifted over time, and of course Jayden wanted in on it too, so we added him to the plan.
They used their stones throughout the day, and earned them throughout the day. I think Anjali, especially has learned a lot about cause and effect. I could say that it is bribery to ask my child to pick up her toys, put on her shoes, and go to the bathroom before we leave, and REWARD her for these things by letting her use the stones she earned to go out and play with her friends, OR I could just tell her she has to do those things or she CAN'T go out and play. It's the same, right? Well the stones seem to empower her to make what she wants to happen, happen, one small task at a time. When she is having a hard day, I make it easier for her to earn her tokens, so that she feels successful. Guess what? It has really worked!
Lately my kids have been saying (when they want a treat usually) that they don't want to use the tokens anymore, so I've been talking with them a lot about the connections they make, the currency. If they just do what I ask of them, when I ask them to help me or help themselves, then there are natural positive consequences: if the teeth get brushed now, there is time for more stories. If mama doesn't have to argue with you about staying seated and keeping your greasy hands off the couch during dinner, she might be in the mood for dessert afterwards..... Jayden gets it, and Anjali is really starting to. She is five now, and so much more pleasant and reasonable these days. My experience has been that its like a game to them, and through the game they learn about action/reaction, real life consequences, and their power to create what they want in the world for themselves. They get that its a game, and we talk about it.
The kicker is that we all are still playing this game. I do something for you, you give me money, and I can use that money to do something for myself. Its currency. Its how our culture works. I don't mind teaching my children about it in this way. It has really helped to bring peace into my home.
