I have always been an intuitive parent, trusting that my innate knowledge as a woman and mother will guide me through the toughest parenting situations. But recently, my daughter's challenging behavior became too much for her preschool teachers and she was asked to take a break from school. She had hit a teacher on the head with a toy, and actually drew blood. Talk about a disappointing and embarrassing situation!
From early on in life, Anjali knew what she wanted and would not take "no" for an answer. She is a very physical child, incredibly strong in her mind and body, but very loving and nurturing as well. She has been known to obsessively scoop up nearby toddlers and try to "mommy" them quite persistantly. During playdates, she tends to want to be in control of her friends, what they play with, where they go, and who is allowed to do what. We tried framing the rules positively: "be gentle," "be respectful," "please share with your friends." It just did not seem to get through to her, and we were hoping the teachers at her school would have some insight. When it became clear that they were overwhelmed, we didn't know what to do.
A friend of mine showed up at my front door with a stack of parenting "how to" books, and I chose a couple to peruse. "Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach" by Howard Glasser and Jennifer Easley is the book we haven't put down yet, and we are beginning to realize what our daughter is needing and how we can transform our interactions to help her.
The book basically outlines an intervention for the challenging child, and describes how we can change our parenting style to help our difficult child succeed in the world. She needs more positive feedback, but has usually responded to it by acting out! With the child who pushes buttons, acts out, and breaks the rules, a negative pattern is established. They are used to getting a huge reaction for negative behavior, while positive feedback is nowhere near as exciting and energetic. They become somewhat addicted to all the drama of our negative reactions.
We have begun to notice with great frequency all the moments that before seemed like nothing special; quiet moments, when she is interested, engaged, and helpful. There are many and they are increasing every day. We have been getting clearer about stating rules, like "No picking up babies, period." And when rules are broken, we are calm and direct about sending her to time out, setting the timer, (and here's unique and powerful part) getting excited about how well she did in her time out! She doesn't get a lecture on hitting, she gets praise for going straight to her room, and playing quietly until she is calm. And, guess what! She does that now! We are amazed at the transformation, just over the last month.
This book is compassionate, inspiring, easy to read, and is making a huge difference in all of our lives. I can't recommend it enough for parents who struggle with strong willed children and difficult behavior.
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